


The Tropes that Caused the House to go Bust

by BirthTypeEgg (orphan_account)



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Alien Culture, Alien Language, Alien Planet, Aliens, F/M, Science Fiction, TV Tropes, Weird Alien Rituals, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 18:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2239488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/BirthTypeEgg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story based mainly off of TV Tropes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tropes that Caused the House to go Bust

"Mayday! Mayday! Our ship is going down, Capp'n!"  
"Hold us on course, Ben! We can't afford to damage any of our cargo!"  
"I don't think I can do that, Capp'n!" Ben shouted, mashing several buttons on a control panel.  
"Why n-"   
The Capp'n of this mysterious ship was cut off by the lights suddenly all going out at once and a huge, sudden lurch made by his falling ship. The control panel the guy named Ben had been working at suddenly exploded, sending several chunks of metal into his face. He screamed and tumbled backwards, clutching at his face. A few of those pieces had grazed the Capp'n himself, and one had stuck itself into his cheek.   
"God damnit!"   
Another sudden lurch and the Capp'n was knocked off his feet, his head slamming into a console, knocking him unconscious.  
\--  
Pah'En quickly scrambled over a rise, following the trail of smoke coming from the weast of his small village. As chief of his village, Pah'En took it upon himself to neutralize any pontential dangers.   
Pah'En's skin was a dark green, and his long, curly, black hair cascaded down his lithe back in an unorderly fashion. His clothing mostly consisted of leather pieces connected together into a dress like garment. A crude knife was usually strapped to his side, but he carried it firmly in his left hand at this moment. Pah'En was ready for any danger that might leap at him.   
As he followed the smoke to its source, he couldn't help but feel a nervousness crawling up inside of him. Stopping for a moment, Pah'En looked directly upwards. The smoke was a dark gray, and could have been easily mistaken for storm clouds. Shaking his head, he moved onward.  
After about fifteen move minutes of walking, Pah'En climbed up a medium sized hill. He suspected that he had to be close to the source now.  
He was right.  
As Pah'En crested the hill, he saw an odd looking machine crashed into the ground. The area it had first hit the ground at was distant, but clearly defined, as the shuttle had practically cleaved a path into the ground. The ship itself was badly damaged and definitely didn't look like it was going to start flying again any time soon.  
Pah'En quickly ran over to the spaceship to investigate the crash. Ducking into the spaceship, he saw bodies strewn about. They all had a black, dusky color to their skin, and various hard protrusions jutted out from seemingly random places on their bodies.   
'They have the same body structure but... What could they be? Who are these... Otherworlders?'  
He moved along the corridor he guessed he was in, but more cautiously now. Who knew what these strange beings could do?   
As he went along, Pah'En noticed that some of the beings had no or few of the hard, spiky protrusions. He assumed that maybe they were of a lower rank or a different gender from the ones with the many spikes.   
After a while of searching around for an answer, Pah'En happened upon a room that seemed to be the control center of the entire ship. It was, however, badly damaged, and some of the aliens were crushed under collapsed consoles.   
Pah'En swept his gaze across and around the control room. He deemed that it would have been grand if it had not been forced into ruin by the crash.   
Suddenly, he saw movement among the rubble.   
A figure, one of the aliens, arose from a pile of shattered machinery with a loud groan. It shook some pieces off of itself, and stood up straighter. Its mouth was held open a little in what looked like despair.   
The alien itself looked a little different from the others. While it wore clothes, much like himself, the top portion of its garments were mostly ripped off, revealing that its chest was a dark brown, rather than a dusky black. The being was finely muscled and had a few of the sharp protrusions in its back. Then, the being turned to look directly at Pah'En, revealing another spike coming out of its cheek. It stared intently at him for a few moments, before lurching over to him slowly.  
Pah'En watched its movements closely, as did the alien being. It stopped a few feet from Pah'En and spoke in a language he recognized, English.   
"You... Are you an... Inhabitant of this world...?" it asked in a deep voice that was weakened by its predicament.  
Pah'En was too shocked to reply at first, until he remembered that whatever this thing was was waiting for an answer.   
"Shla... Yes. Forgive me if I... Mispronounce any words... I am not quite as used to Englass as I used to be."  
The being nodded slowly at him. "I am Captain Crisco. Of the..." The alien paused to look around him. "Former... HMS Agony..." It chuckled to itself. "What an ironic name that turned out to be."  
"Shla. I am Pah'Eh Sha'Ohk, chief of a village not far from here."  
"Village...? Could you, perhaps, take me there? I am in much pain, as you can probably tell." It stopped and looked around. "I doubt any of the others survived... Not even Ben...," it muttered as it slowly approached one of its fallen comrades.   
"But no matter," Crisco said, moving back towards Pah'En. "Take me to your village."  
Pah'En nodded and began leading Crisco back the way he had come.   
Once they were outside of the ship and on their way to Pah'En's village, the chief couldn't help but ask, "what exactly... Are you? You do not look like any other creature I have ever laid eyes upon."  
Crisco gave him a puzzled look. "Do you not recognize humans, even when you speak one of our languages?"  
Pah'En stopped and squinted hard at Crisco. In the light outside of the dim wreckage of the HMS Agony, Crisco's appearance seemed different. The blackness of his skin merely seemed to be burn marks and soot, with the brownness of his chest being his actual skin color, and he could also see that the spiky protrusions were merely bits of metal that had lodged itself into Crisco's skin. Shrapnel. He could even see a trail of partially dried blood flowing down his cheek, starting where the piece of metal had wedged itself. Pah'En nodded affirmatively to himself. This being, this man, was indeed a human.  
"Caltain! Forgive me, Captain Crisco. I should have realized what you were the moment I heard you speak in this tongue."  
Crisco merely shook his head. "Just get me to your village. I certainly don't want to end up like the rest of my crew."  
\--  
Pah'En's village was small but homely. Situated in a wooded area next to a rushing river, it provided the ideal spot for life on his planet. Several huts were scattered about, some in the trees and some on the ground, where his people lived. He led Crisco to one of the huts on the ground.  
"This here, friend Crisco, is our medical tent. Meki'Gah!"  
A small male from his tribe shot out of the tent. "Jat?"  
Pah'En quickly explained what had happened to Crisco to Meki'Gah in his native language.   
"Shla. Bring heem here. Will fix."  
A question arose in Crisco's face, but that was stamped out when Meki'Gah grabbed his arm and forced him into the tent.  
Pah'En chuckled to himself and calmly strode away to tell his daughter, Kaje, about what, and who, he had found.  
\--  
Crisco lightly rubbed his cheek. It had been a few hours since he had arrived in the village, and the hunks of metal were now yanked out of him and the wounds were stitched up. He had also taken a quick bath in the river to wash off all of the soot, and now he stood on the bank in just his uniform pants. The shirt to his uniform was much too damaged to wear properly, so he would just have to do without it.   
Stretching out his arms, Crisco noticed that the sky was getting dark. Also that he was hungry, very hungry.  
Just at that moment, a young looking female walked over to him. Her body was covered with very little, but she seemed comfortable this way. Garments made of leather covered only the top part of her chest and the area from her waist to her knee, and all of that was rather tight fitting on her. Crisco couldn't help but smile a little at her, as he found her rather attractive. He received a smile in return from the young woman.  
"Crisco. I am Kaje Sha'Ohk, daughter of Pah'En Sha'Ohk. I am to take you with me so that we may dine with Pah'En."  
Crisco found this to be a bit of a surprise. "Really? Well, take me there then. You couldn't have timed it any better."  
Kaje stifled a giggle and led him into one of the huts. It was a bit bigger than the others, but not substantially. A circular table was set up in the very center of it, with food practically covering it aside from a bright lantern that rested in the center. Pah'En was seated, cross-legged, at the head of the table.  
"Ah! Captain Crisco! You have made it here! Come. Join us for a meal. You may get your rest after."  
Both Crisco and Kaje sat at the table, and all three ate to their heart's content.  
"What a refreshing meal, was it not, Captain Crisco? If only my wife, En'Pah, were still here to enjoy it with us. But now is the time for rest, Crisco. Kaje will show you where you will sleep."  
Crisco nodded his thanks to Pah'En, and both he and Kaje left the hut.  
"Your resting place is not far, friend Crisco. I hope that it is suitable for one such as yourself."  
Kaje led him deeper into the village and to a smaller hut that appeared unoccupied.   
"Our guests sleep here. There is bedding for you. I do hope that it comforts you in this time of jup'ek. Pain."  
After saying this, Kaje turned to leave, but Crisco grabbed her arm.   
"No. Don't leave. Not just yet."  
She turned around timidly, wondering if he planned to hurt her.  
"Kaje... I think that you are gorgeous. Much more beautiful than any Earth woman I have ever seen."  
A blush spread over Kaje's face. "I believe that you are... Handsome, Captain Crisco. I am not spoken for yet, if you were wondering."  
A grin slowly grew on Crisco's face, and he pulled her close. "Stay with me then."  
"Pah'En will worry, Crisco."  
"You could make up an excuse. You don't even have to spend the whole night with me."  
"Hm... Fine. I must stay with you."  
"You shouldn't have to feel as if you must stay just because I want you to."  
"But I feel... That I must."  
"Why is-"  
"No questions. I must stay with you, Crisco."   
With those last firm words, Kaje began agressively making out with Crisco. Practically pushing him into the hut, the two laid down together and passionately touched butts all night long.   
\--  
Crisco woke up the next morning with Kaje wrapped up in his arms. He felt drowsy, and rubbed his eyes before stretching out.   
That was when he noticed Pah'En standing sternly in the doorway of the hut. Crisco panicked and scrambled upwards, before he remembered that he was still naked from all of that butt touching and covered up his privates.  
Pah'En was firmly grasping some sort of alien weapon that looked similar to a shotgun, and probably served the same purpose. This shotgun was pointed directly at Crisco's chest.  
"Captain Thomas Crisco. You have slept with my unmarried daughter. Now you must be the one to marry her. Oh, and..." Pah'En seemed to grip the gun tighter and raised it up to point at Crisco's face. "There is no escape from this fate other than death. I would rather not kill you after what you have been through, but if I must to uphold tradition, then I shall. Do not test me, Captain Crisco."  
Crisco gulped audibly. He had not meant for this to happen, but this was the predicament that he was now stuck in because of his own stupidity. However, Crisco was determined to marry Kaje. This captain was not a man to abandon a fine young lady like her in favor of death.   
"Alright, Pah'En. I agree to your... Offer."  
"Shla. Kunh. The ceremony will be soon. It will not take long to prepare." Pah'En stood, watching the naked Crisco for a few more minutes before abruptly spinning around and leaving the hut.  
\--  
A few hours later, the ceremony was indeed almost completely set up. It was a rather simple set up, mostly consisting of a large, round, wooden table set in a clearing under the trees that could seat every single one of Pah'En's villagers. The table was decorated extravagantly in terms of what Pah'En's people could accomplish, with many plates set up and food beginning to be delivered. Those who weren't bustling around busy with one thing or another had already taken their places at the table, including Pah'En himself, who sat at the head of the table.   
Crisco watched this display from a distance. Nervousness and uncertainty had begun to fill his head after he had gotten dressed and thought about this whole "marriage" thing a little more. It actually terrified him a little. He had absolutely no idea what this ceremony would be like. Maybe the whole thing was actually an elaborate trick set up by Pah'En. Maybe it was some sort of sacrificial ritual, where Crisco would be killed for one of their gods. Crisco couldn't be sure, but he was frightened all the same.  
While Crisco was distracted by his deep thoughts, Kaje had strolled up to him. "Hello again, Captain Crisco," Kaje said with a smile. "I did not ever think that I would end up marrying a human."  
Kaje's appearance did not differ much from yesterday, except she completely lacked any coverings on her chest. Crisco couldn't help but stare at her chest for a few moments before wondering aloud, "is your choice of clothing a part of this marriage ceremony?"  
"Yes. It is a part of our traditions. You will learn many more today." Kaje looked towards the table. Pah'En shouted, calling the two of them over. "Let us go, Crisco."  
Both of them took the short trip to the round table together, each proceeding to sit on either side of the tribe's chief. Once everyone was seated, Pah'En rose and announced something in his own language. Everyone shouted back one word in unison. Then the chief turned to Crisco.   
"Friend, Captain Crisco! We shall officially begin this joining ceremony with the Teapot Test!"  
As soon as this was said, one of the villagers hurried over and placed a handleless teapot in front of the captain. Crisco looked at it with interest for a few seconds before his attention was again drawn by Pah'En.   
"To pass this test, you must hold the teapot with your bare hands, and serve every single one of us tea. You may begin."  
Crisco thought that this would be easy enough. But as soon as he grabbed the teapot with earnest, Crisco was met with a gigantic shock to his nervous system. The teapot was boiling hot. He recoiled at first, nearly tripping over his chair. Looking down at his hands, Crisco noticed that they were mildly burned.   
Gulping, Crisco figured that in order to do this at all, it'd have to be as fast as humanly possible. Clenching and unclenching his hands a few times, he lunged at the teapot and scooped it up in his already burning hands. He practically ran around the table, going clockwise. All of the villagers eagerly held out their teacups to him, and he poured them all a cup of Earl Gray, hot. He finally ended his mad sprint by pouring Pah'En himself some tea. Crisco then clunked the teapot on the table and forcefully removed his hands from it. Staring at them, he nearly screamed from the pain his blackened palms were transmitting.   
Completely ignoring Crisco's state of agony, Pah'En stood once again and shouted something new. Everyone else shouted back that same single word.   
"Now for your next test, Crisco! The Peanut Butter Test!"  
As Pah'En was calling this out, his people began grabbing many salt coated crackers from platters placed around the table. The villager that had brought the teapot before now carried over a large jar of peanut butter.   
A new wave of dread hit Crisco. 'What am I going to have to do now?'  
"This test requires that you take this peanut butter and spread it adequately on every single cracker that is presented to you... With your bare hands. Begin."  
Crisco sighed a little and grasped the jar of peanut butter with one hand. His freshly burned hand didn't like this much, and it only added to the pain he was experiencing. He managed to endure it, proceeding clockwise around the table once again, but much slower. At each person, he dunked his right hand into the jar of peanut butter and slathered it on all of the salty crackers that villager had. By the time he got back to his own seat, Crisco's eyes were watering from the extreme pain. He set down the peanut butter and slumped back into his own chair.   
Pah'En stood for the third time and announced something else and received the same one word response.  
"Crisco. Now is the time for your third test, which will also be your last. If you were truly one of my people, you would have to go through all of the trials, but I understand that humans are not as hardy as us. This final test, is our meal. While we may eat peanut butter and crackers, we also eat immensely hard foods. Enjoying your meal should be an appropriate test."  
Pah'En switched back to his native tongue and shouted one last thing before sitting down. Then everyone began grabbing food from the platters scattered over the table. Crisco merely accepted his fate and grabbed some of the food too.  
Except, surprisingly, the food was practically rocks. He examined one of the pieces from every angle. It was gray, hard, and rough. An actual rock.   
Letting out a groan of agony, Crisco began shoving the stones in his mouth. Chewing on them, he felt his teeth breaking apart. Crisco began to taste his own blood in his mouth, but kept on munching away anyway. The only alternative was death, so Crisco was determined to get through this true ordeal somehow. After the food was somehow broken up into small enough pieces, he swallowed them painfully. Crisco could have sworn that he had eaten some of his teeth as well. He was extremely glad that he hadn't decided to grab too much, as he only had one more mouthful left now. Even though his entire jaw was screeching in anguish, he stuffed the rest of the rocks in his mouth and ate them.  
Crisco sat in silent pain after he was done eating, waiting for everyone else to finish. Once they had, Pah'En stood for the last time, beckoning for him and Kaje to stand up as well.  
Captain Crisco hauled himself to his feet somehow, and he and Kaje were pushed close together by Pah'En, who had stepped out of their way.   
"Now that we have enjoyed our glamorous feast, the joining can be completed. Captain Thomas Crisco, you will now be officially joined with my daughter, Kaje Sha'Ohk, as long as you do not... Object." Pah'En practically hissed out the last word as a reminder of what would happen if Crisco refused.  
"There is no objection here."  
"Kunh. Kaje, my daughter, you will be officially joined with Crisco, as long as you do not object."  
"I could never object, father."  
"Kunh. Both of you are now joined. Kaje, your name will now resemble your partner's. Kaje'Tomas Crisco, is who you are now."  
Kaje nodded obediently, seeming to take the new name with pride.  
"Crisco, your name will too resemble Kaje'Tomas'. Tomas'Kaje Crisco, is your name."  
Crisco nearly objected to Pah'En changing his name out of the blue, but forcefully bit his tongue. Pah'En had no true power to alter his name. He doubted that the chief was even pronouncing his name correctly anymore. The captain decided to merely nod.  
"Kunh! Good! Now, you two may be off. Kaje'Tomas will be able to guide you in the final sealing of your marriage."  
Kaje swiftly grabbed his hand and basically dragged him off to a hut that looked as if it had been newly erected.  
"Crisco! This is our home now! Your home. You can stay with me here forever!"  
Crisco stepped inside of the hut and looked around. The hut was slightly smaller than the one that Pah'En lived in, and it was newly furnished with a decent looking table and a single bed.  
Kaje immediately tugged him again, pulling him towards the bed. "The final ritual of our marriage is to mate on the night of our marriage. As in, now."  
After Kaje had said this, Crisco began to understand why it was customary for the women to wear clothing like this on their wedding day.   
The two tumbled into the bed soon afterwards, and the butt touching commenced once again.  
\--  
Much like he had the day before, Crisco woke up groggily. He was laying apart from Kaje this time, with his back facing her. He yawned and turned over on to his back, his vision still blurry with sleep.  
Crisco looked over at Kaje's blurry figure and couldn't help but giving her a drowsy smile. It looked as if she was already awake. It actually looked as if she had been awake for a long while.  
"Morning darling," a strange manly voice said.  
Crisco immediately snapped out of his sleepiness and pulled up the covers to hide his exposed chest. A strange man was were Kaje should be sleeping.  
"Feeling a little jumpy this morning?" the man asked. "Are we... Guilty, perhaps?"  
Crisco only stared at the strange man in horror, wondering what he had done with Kaje.  
"No? 'We're just friends, Q. Nothing more,'" he, presumably Q, said in a mocking tone. "So... What's next?"  
"I... Don't know...," Crisco managed to say back.  
"I'm sure you don't," Q replied, keeping up his sarcastic voice.  
Five seconds later, the mysterious man named Q vanished in a bright flash. For years afterward, Captain Crisco had to live in a psychiatric help institution to forget his traumatizing experiences on the planet the HMS Agony crash landed on.


End file.
